If I Was A Little Braver...

People who know me know that my brain does not work like everybody else's.  I look at situations a little differently and see humor where there may not be any.  Luckily, over the years I've tried to learn how to fit in socially without embarrassing myself or those close to me.  So this idea came to me to compose a short list of things that I would probably be dumb enough to try...if I were a little braver.

• After having minor wrist surgery and answering and infintesimal amount of questions about what happened, I tell the waitress at Texas Road House that I've had this little problem with cutting myself when I get upset, and my therapist says it's healthier to talk about it and get it out in the open.  Then, after seeing her awkward reaction, I ask, "By the way, are the steak knives here are serrated or smooth edged and very sharp."
• After spotting the guy in the produce department at Wal-Mart with the frayed jeans riding way below his vertical smile, I casually walk over to look at the green peppers and step on the fringes of his frayed flare legs so that when he when he walks away, he's pantsed on the produce aisle. Call it justice.
• When an obviously way busy elevator stops on my floor and the door opens with only room for one more, I jump on so that both feet hit the floor loudly and as obnoxiously as possible; and then after the door closes I ask "So what's the weight limit on this thing anyway...?"
• After touching the tonometer to a kid's upper eyelid to measure the intraocular pressure, I say "See, you didn't even feel that needle did you?"  (Actually I do this all the time.)
• After arranging for my Mom to visit my brother and his family 4 hours away for a weekend, I place a recorder in her apartment next to her bird's cage that will repeat a certain little phrase all weekend so that the morning after she's returned home instead of the bird saying "Good morning Skye, I love you," it says "You're not my real mom."

Most of these semi-malicous things are harmless and I would never hurt anybody physically in the name of humor, but sometimes I do wish I was a little braver. It would make life a little more interesting. 

Getting old is sure getting old...

The only thing that never changes is that things are constantly changing. That's deep even for me.  I've been helping my dad back in SC because his Alzheimer's seems to be progressing fairly rapidly.  He is getting confused about everyday things and has said some pretty funny things. I won't post his comments because I don't believe in exploiting those with advanced dementia for a quick laugh even though the things he says are so far from reality it's comical.

The thing that gives me pause, makes me think, even alarms me is that in almost every way I am my dad's clone. My last trip to SC shocked even those that new me as a kid because I look just like my dad 30 years ago.  I've seen myself walking up to a plate glass door and I walk just like him.  Sometimes when I laugh I can hear his mother laughing because I sound just like her. Genetics is weird and it's not always kind. As I see him go downhill mentally and catch myself forgetting simple things like somebody's last name (not mine), it scares me a little. 

So this is my latest epiphany.  If I only have about 30 years left I'm gonna make it a really good 30 years.  I'm gonna use up my last bit of sanity trying to be kinder to my family, working hard for our future (retirement), and spending my time doing things that make me and Merrianne happy.  That may sound mushy but those are the things that will keep me sane.

So if you have a choice whether to watch TV (brainless) or do a crossword puzzle(metally stimulating), do the crossword puzzle.

Is This What Relaxed Feels Like?

How many times have you looked forward to a vacation so you can kick back and relax with no worries about work or the daily grind, only to find that by the time your vacation is over you need some more days off to recover? Well, I think this is the first vacation I've ever taken where that didn't happen.  We spent 7 days in Gearhart, OR on the coast with most of the kids and spouses and it was a lot of fun. We missed Ashley and Drew because Ashley is "with child" and the time is approaching that she should soon deliver. 

We rented a house with enough rooms for everybody and cooked and ate in most every night. Each couple was responsible for a different dinner and I must say I'm more confident that my older kids aren't going to starve to death. Their dinners were all excellent.  We were able to drive up and down the coast a little and see the sights. The boys went crabbing one day while the girls shopped. We didn't catch enough to feed us so we bought some more crab to supplement what we caught (which if I do the math, lets see I think it adds up to, wait, let me check, carry the one,oh yeah, NONE.) Expensive lunch but muy deliciouso.

We also hit the beach a few times and had fun in the sun and surf.  The last night we went to the beach at night so we could experience the visually stunning pyrotechnic display of burning steel wool. Cameron had done it before so we were all sure it was a safe way to amaze and astound. The only problem turned out to be that the wire I bought to secure it and swing it around in the dark which was too thick so it was difficult to fasten it. Turns out that was an important detail because during the last display of the evening the burning chunk of steel wool came loose from the wire Cameron was swinging and flew straight into McKenna's hair and caught it on fire. I had my back turned and missed the whole thing but I didn't hear anybody yell "stop, drop, and roll."  It was out in just a second so no harm done. I thought her hair looked just fine afterwards. I guess it could have been worse if she had used a lot of flammable hair styling products. She's such a good sport to let us catch her on fire her first vacation with our family and not hold any grudges.

All in all I think we all had a great time. We were able to spend a week together without any punches being thrown or verbal assaults launched; or at least that I'm aware of.  Now that everyone has left for school and our house is unusually quiet again I realized that I kind of enjoy the chaos. It's makes things interesting.  I hope that we can do it again one day, with everybody, and without the flaming finale.

One More Time...

Well, a lot has happened since the last post. I guess when you're negligent in your posting duties that can happen.  Two weeks ago we were in Utah for Cameron and McKenna's wedding and reception.  Everything went great. George Durrant was their sealer in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple and the whole experience was wonderful.  I didn't tell him that my wife had a crush on his son and wanted to marry him for the longest time. I thought it might make things a little awkward. But the whole ceremony was beautiful. The reception was equally impressive. Jill, McKenna's Mom, went all out with the vintage/retro theme and the decorations. I was really catching the vibe and the whole feng shui of the event. I have no idea what that means. I heard it on HGTV.


The reception here on Friday night went well too. The vintage/oldie theme was continued and even expanded upon.  I guess that's why I felt right at home. I let my hair grow out a little so some of the gray showed (if you look really hard) so I could feel like I was part of the motif. I was vintage personified. I tried to loose a little more weight so more wrinkles would be visible but it didn't work out. I guess subconsciously I must have realized that was going a bit too far. Yea, that must be what happened.


Merrianne really did well with the decorations.  She said that she just collected things and couldn't see how it would all fit together in the end. Could have fooled me. It was all perfect. Good thing I wasn't in charge of the decorations. To me vintage means old cars and classic motorcycles. That would have been hard to pull off in the gym at church.  A pre-CBS Fender Precision bass thrown in there would have been pretty cool though. 


But now it's all over. All the hoopla, all the festivities, all the pictures that are so fun to pose for under the intense exposure of solar UVA and UVB, all the hand shaking, the setting up and taking down and setting up and taking down again, the joy and feeling of accomplishment of sweating through my newest suit coat and all, the endless supply of healthy goodies and refreshments; it's all over.  Now all we have are the memories and a bunch of junk in our garage. Oh well. So I don't wax too nostalgic I'll look at the bright side.We only have to do this two more times.

Father's Day

This Father's Day turned out to be a great one. We had a great day at Church; our last Sunday with the old Badger Mountain Ward because next week we all start our new wards. Ward boundaries were changed a week ago and we lost about a hundred people but we're gaining about 40.  I taught EQ this week and my lesson went pretty well. 

After church the real festivities began. We grilled pork ribs with plenty of Sweet Baby Ray's (our BBQSoC- BBQ sauce of choice),and had my favorite pasta salad with chicken and grapes, corn on the cob, and baked potatoes- a meal fit for a dad.  And after I had more than my share of everything it was time for dessert- eclair cake. I was in food heaven.  It just doesn't get any better than that. 

After dinner we had the chance to sit around for a little while. I even got to take a nap.  Life is tough ...right?  Then we watched Remember the Titans  ("Who do they think they are, the Beatles?")  Great movie. It's fun to spend time with family.  I did get a call from the bishopric to speak in church next week but that's OK; there won't be as many people.

This morning it hit me. This was the last Father's Day as a dad only. By the time the next one rolls around I'll be Grandpa.  I'm glad I didn't think of it yesterday.  

OWHATASLACKERIAM

Last time I did this I thought "now that taxes are over I'll be able to keep track of the normal, everyday stuff a little better."  Yea right.  I think I'm truly losing what little sense I had to begin with. Not gradually either; it's an exponential plummet.  I've always known that kids kill brain cells. I had hoped that when they grew up and left home I would regain some of my former cerebral glory. I haven't exactly noticed that happening though. In fact, now that some of them have moved back in for the summer I've noticed a serious decrease in my already depleted cognitive skills.  I've caught myself drooling a couple of times. 

I do appreciate the things they do to help out. Travis has kept the yard looking good now that I'm too invalid-ish to do it myself.  Cameron even got up on the roof of my office to change the filters because I've been banned from getting on a ladder.  Baseball is winding down; there are only the city tournament games left.  Jake got a great hit in Saturday's game, but I missed it.

I left early because I had been invited to participate in a 100 mile ride with the B.A.C.A. (Bikers Against Child Abuse).  I was a sponsor this year so I even got Bullock Eye Care's logo on the back of the commemerative black biker T-shirt. I signed up as a sponsor months ago and I've been looking forward to this for a long time because I don't get to do too many group rides with bikers. I even skipped shaving for 4 days or so to look a little rougher. So I left Jake's game early to get over to the place we were leaving from. When I showed up there were already about 100-150 motorcycles there; most of them Harleys.  I didn't recognize a soul; not even the guy who invited me.  I just kind of wandered around halfway listening to some of the conversations. I couldn't tell what most of them were talking about, but I did recognize some of the most commonly used words in their vocabulary from way back when I spent all that time in prison.  I realized quickly that not shaving for 4 days didn't make me fit in any better. When it was time to go a guy got up in front of everybody and announced what route we'd be taking and what stops we would make.  He also used some interesting descriptive words which sounded a little unusual because he was yelling through a bull horn.

So when we pulled out of the parking lot it was kind of cool because we had about 150 bikes all pulling out together.  Some of the guys were riding ahead and stopping traffic so we just went right through every intersection without stopping.  Some of the drivers being stopped were waving at us and using gestures that didn't seem too friendly.  One of them I recognized form the last time Merrianne asked me to flip the light off.  So when we got to the freeway and headed toward Prosser it was pretty impressive seeing so many bikes spread out for a mile or so.  Changing lanes was interesting.  On one occassion we were passing a semi and as we were changing back into the right lane some of the bikes in front of me pulled back in way too close to the front of the truck. He layed on his air horn with a nice friendly greeting. I was about halfway back so I could see how far we were spread out forward and backwards.   I could also see all the cars stranded in the other lane not able to pass or move forward at all because of the long string of bikes in the other lane.  I guess I'm not a true biker because I'm really uncomfortable ticking people off when they're right beside me and we're going 70-75 and I'm on 2 wheels. 

We arrived at our first stop- Desert Valley Power Sports in Prosser. We stood around and basically loitered for about 30 minutes or so.  I was afraid of running out of gas because my range is only about 100 miles, so I left the parking lot a few minutes early and stopped at the gas station just up the street.  As I was getting gas I saw all the bikers drive right past; leaving without me. I felt this strange sensation of relief and thought, Oh well.  So I went down the Old Inland Empire Hwy and went home.  I missed the party back at JD's tavern and the "bikini girl bike wash" after the ride too.

There is a moral to this story.  It's OK to ride a bike and not be a biker or even a wannabe biker.  I don't wear leather and my chick doesn't wear a leather halther. I love to ride but I don't live to ride, or ride to live. (I'm not sure what that means. I saw it on a jacket.)  I've always heard that you are what you eat, but I also think that you become who you hang around too.  And I know I don't want to become a leather-wearin', foul language usin', butt-crack-showin', beer-drinkin', bikini bike wash-watchin', borderline antisocial sociopath.  I'd rather be a fat, bald, middle aged guy who feels younger than he really is when he plays his guitar and when he rides his motorcycle. That's OK with me.

The Jingle, Jingle of Tax Season

I have never professed to have an affinity for numbers, in fact, most things that have to do with numbers scare me to death. I panic when I have to calculate a tip at a restaurant.  Who decided to make it 15% anyway?, 20% is so much easier to figure out.  So the months leading up to April 15th are always stressful for me. I try all year to keep track of everything to make preparing for taxes easier, but it seems every year I forget something major. I'm no known for my organizational skills either. That's a big strike one.  I'm a chronic procrastinator. Strike two. But I'm not afraid to get in there and work hard to make sure I don't have to pay any more than necessary. A swing, and a tip.  Still in the game.

My goal this year was to have everything ready by March 1st and... I didn't make it. I started in February to get everything ready thinking I was allowing myself plenty of time. Ball one. One and two.  I got all my monthly bank statements in order, made list after list of deductions for the business and personal stuff, and organized all my years worth of expenditures. Ball two. Two and two.  I worked most every night after work to get everything done because I can never do it during the day; too busy. And once April 1st comes and goes everything is just a blur. I expect to hear a fat lady singing any second. But I did get everything turned in to the CPA by the last week of March this year. Ball three. Still alive.  He called me once with some questions and needed some additional information, but not nearly as much as in years past. 

I got a call two days before the deadline and everything is done. Wow. I made it.  No extension this year.  Yes I had to pay, but I have to pay every year and it wasn't as much, or at least I wasn't as surprised by how much as in years past. The CPA even complimented me on my organizational skills. He thought another accountant helped me get ready. Who'da thunk it.  Oh well, not exactly a home run; more like a walk, but I'll take it.  A score after a walk counts the same as a home run anyway. 

See ya... gotta go to Jake's game.

To me or not to me...THAT is the question

It wasn't that long ago that everyone in the family considered me a mobile garbage disposal.  Everybody just knew that if there was something on their plate that, for whatever reason, they couldn't eat or just didn't want to eat, Dad would clean up.  Sometimes that was very convenient if the food item in question was something undesirable, especially since there was never any question whether or not it would be eaten by the above mentioned scavenger.  It didn't matter if it was the last half of a burger or the last bite of a chicken enchillata, there would be nothing wasted.  It has taken me a life time to realize that it doesn't help the starving children in Somalia or Ethiopia or any where else if I force myself to eat every single last bite on my plate or anyone else's. 

I grew up with stories of great deprivation suffered by my parents during the depression and WWII. Stories of  having nothing to eat to the point of starvation while living in the back woods of southern Kentucky. During the war my mother had to line her shoes with newpaper to keep her feet dry so she could wear them to school in the winter.  I admit that I've never faced those kind of hardships. I rode my bike to school in first grade but it wasn't even up hill; it was flat; both ways.

My point is this. Consider yourselves warned. I am officially abdicating my former position of family vulture.  I will no longer finish someone else's dinner even if it's only one bite. I will also never again dig the last bite of a perfectly grilled hamburger out of the garbage and eat it when no one is looking.  I will continue to try to adjust the amount of food placed on my plate so that even if I do eat it all I'll be able to walk without waddling afterwards. Plan on eating whatever is on your plate, even if its your mother that puts it there, because I will never again say the words,"Are you gonna eat that?" even if it's squash casserole or that chicken and pasta salad that has the grapes in it.

I am setting my sites a little higher; striving for a renewed level of personal dignity never before thought possible in this life time.  It may take years to re-create this new image of myself, but sooner or later people who know me best will look at me and not immediately  think "I wonder where he's been grazing."  So it is with the upmost sincerity that I ask you to wipe this tainted and humiliating image of me from your memories. Remember me as I'm trying to be, not as I was.

Note: This doesn't mean I can't share fries when they bring extras at Red Robin.
                                                  Yummmm

Oh well...

Do you ever catch yourself trying to retrace your steps thinking it will help you remember what you just forgot?  Or you're in the middle of a conversation and you completely blank out and forget what you were going to say?  Or you rehearse in your mind all morning while getting ready for work "Don't forget to take this or don't forget to take that with you" and you still walk right out and leave it at home?  Or you're trying to think of a word in the middle of explaining something to somebody and all you can think of is the first letter?  Or you see somebody that you've known for years and you can't think of their name?  Or somebody says to you, "Do you remember when..." and they proceed to explain a detailed sequence of events that you were involved in and it doesn't even sound remotely familiar?  Or you're in a "discussion" with your youngest son and he says "but dad yesterday you said I could" and you say "no way would I say that" and then you stop and think and honestly you're not sure what you said?  Or you need to run down to the store for three little things and you don't make a list because it's only three little things but you get there and you can only remember two of them and you end up coming home without the third thing?  Or you're playing with your band and it's your turn to sing one of your favorite songs that you know inside and out because you've been singing it in the car, or in the shower, or in your head for years and years and years but now you forget the first verse? 

No? So it IS just me.  Oh well...

Life is good...

Today is the first day for a long time that we've seen the sun and to top it off it must be 50 degrees out there.  Of course, I'm inside all day.  But I did volunteer to take out the trash so I got to walk to the dumpster.  Days like today make me think of all the things I have to be thankful for.  I have a beautiful wife who I adore and who loves me. I have great kids who I'm so proud of I could pop (bad visual) because they seem to be so adept at making correct decisions.  Some are married with wonderful spouses and some are not but they all have bright futures with lots of happiness ahead of them.  I live in a great place where the people are nice and I've been lucky enough to start a successful business because so many people have been so loyal to their eye doctor. 

I know what you're thinking; who are you and what have you done with Geoff Bullock? I know this is very uncharacteristic of me to actually look at the positive side of life, but Merrianne and I had a talk and decided that we both need to do that more.  Don't worry, I'm not going to burst through the front door of my office and skip across the parking lot of my office singing Zip-A-Dee-Do-Da.  I couldn't do that if I wanted to without a couple of cortisone shots in very specific places.  But I do realize that I have a lot to be thankful for so I'm gonna try to act like it.  Keep in mind that this goes against my deepest genetic make up so I may slip occasionally, but I am going to try to be more positive. 

On a lighter note, I feel a little thinner.  I've been pretty faithful about exercising in the evenings and I think it's helping.  Amazing how that works. Who'd of ever thought...?   I can wear some of my shirts that were previously tight around my table muscle and that feels good.  I have a long way to go though, so I'm not bragging just yet.  I've got to keep at it until I hit 200. I'm thinking a Les Paul but I need the full 24 frets to the body for the really high stuff so I'll do my homework.  Speaking of guitars, Savannah and I have a gig tonight.  We're doing Teach Me To Walk In The Light for Young Women's New Beginnings tonight.  She's singing and I be jommin on the guitar mon.  I've got a cool lead solo between the second and third verse. (just kidding, come on lighten up.)  I could do it if I wanted to I just don't want to. 

Gotta go. Lunch is almost over.  Gotta play eye doctor.

                                                              Cool huh                                                                                    

Home at last!

There's nothing like a trip to a foreign land with strange customs and a language that's difficult to understand (South Carolina) that makes you appreciate home with all it's comforts and amenities. Jake and I left on Thursday morning last week early to go see my Dad in Spartanburg. Due to a slight scheduling miscalculation we got to spend the night in the beautiful Detroit metro area just as a snow storm was rolling in. They speak a foreign tongue there too.  We were ordering lunch and someone asked me if I wanted a seeyalid when all I wanted was a burger. 

 We met Todd and Darrell in SC at the airport the next morning and drove on in to see him. We got to visit a few people, take care of some repairs, and shop a little. I drove all over town and didn't get lost once. My initials should be GPS.  Darrell got to see his Dad and Ma-Maw's rocking chair, ride in several different airplanes, and eat out all weekend.  He was in heaven.  Todd and I managed to fix Dad's TV on Saturday after so many trips to Walmart that I lost count.  He hasn't been able to watch football for a year since lightning struck and a power surge took out his analog to digital converter box.  So at least he can see the Superbowl now.  After a relaxing, fun filled 36 hours we were at the airport again on Sunday morning and on the way home. 

The flight from Detroit to SLC was in a 757 and it was completely full.  It was almost 4 hours long and by the time we were down to the last hour it was really hot on that plane.  Jake started feeling a little sick I'm sure from the heat and lack of fresh air.  He made it all the way to SLC and we were standing waiting to get off the plane before he lost it. He's a much more dignified puker than I am; especially on a plane.  At least he didn't miss the bag; and I'll say no more.  We had a 3 hour layover waiting to continue on to Pasco and he started to get some the color back in his face. He was so worn out that he slept for most of the waiting in the airport and the entire flight to Pasco from SLC; poor guy.  We were both glad to get home.

Jake and I both decided that we don't want to go anywhere for awhile. Right now staying home sounds pretty darn good. I've decided that I really love the blowing dust and tumbleweeds, the inversion that robs us of sunshine for most of the winter, the lack of freakishly crazy people and rush hour, summers that are perfect for riding a motorcycle for months at a time with no rain, mountains that are really just glacier formed hills of piled up dirt, and infinite numbers of goatheads.  Yep, there's no place like home!

Older and/or Wiser

There have been many times in my life when I've wondered why older and wiser don't always go together.  Some of us have a much flatter learning curve than others.  Take me for example.  I often don't see the forest for the red hemi Dodge Challenger driving by that I really don't want but I think looks cool. Especially when it has the Shelby stripes and the front end body kit.  I realize that occasionally I'm easily distracted from important things.  I stink at remembering some of the things that matter most while instead I  think of things that are at best superfluous. You ask," So, do you want to do better?" And I ask, "Does a bear poop in the woods, do you need more than one napkin at Famous Dave's, do most NBA players have egos as big as their checking accounts; of course I want to do better!"

Since this is the first of the year and tradition dictates making several resolutions and then placing bets on when I'll break them, I've decided to make some conscious changes (since unconscious changes are so much more difficult.) I really want to eat better and I now realize after all these years that more is not better.  That goes against everything I was taught growing up.  So I will eat more healthy meals and in more moderate amounts.  With any luck by summer I can lose20 or 30 or 40 pounds.  You may ask yourself "why the sudden philosophical change and uncharacteristic desire to do better?"  Well, Merrianne has told me that if I can get down to 200 pounds I can buy a new guitar.  OK, there, I said it. I really do want to do better but I also really want a Les Paul; or maybe an SG; I haven't decided yet.  There's nothing like the warm, fuzzy sound of a Gibson humbucker pickup when its overdriven and pushed to the limit.  Trust me.  It'll make even me sound better.

So there you have it. I'm really a very shallow, transparent person who wants to make changes for the better for the right reasons too, but also for a very good wrong reason.  So hopefully next time you see me I'll be a little older and a little thinner. I still can't guarantee the wiser part.