If I Was A Little Braver...

People who know me know that my brain does not work like everybody else's.  I look at situations a little differently and see humor where there may not be any.  Luckily, over the years I've tried to learn how to fit in socially without embarrassing myself or those close to me.  So this idea came to me to compose a short list of things that I would probably be dumb enough to try...if I were a little braver.

• After having minor wrist surgery and answering and infintesimal amount of questions about what happened, I tell the waitress at Texas Road House that I've had this little problem with cutting myself when I get upset, and my therapist says it's healthier to talk about it and get it out in the open.  Then, after seeing her awkward reaction, I ask, "By the way, are the steak knives here are serrated or smooth edged and very sharp."
• After spotting the guy in the produce department at Wal-Mart with the frayed jeans riding way below his vertical smile, I casually walk over to look at the green peppers and step on the fringes of his frayed flare legs so that when he when he walks away, he's pantsed on the produce aisle. Call it justice.
• When an obviously way busy elevator stops on my floor and the door opens with only room for one more, I jump on so that both feet hit the floor loudly and as obnoxiously as possible; and then after the door closes I ask "So what's the weight limit on this thing anyway...?"
• After touching the tonometer to a kid's upper eyelid to measure the intraocular pressure, I say "See, you didn't even feel that needle did you?"  (Actually I do this all the time.)
• After arranging for my Mom to visit my brother and his family 4 hours away for a weekend, I place a recorder in her apartment next to her bird's cage that will repeat a certain little phrase all weekend so that the morning after she's returned home instead of the bird saying "Good morning Skye, I love you," it says "You're not my real mom."

Most of these semi-malicous things are harmless and I would never hurt anybody physically in the name of humor, but sometimes I do wish I was a little braver. It would make life a little more interesting.